Business Casual

‘Me-conomics:’ The Wolfmaverickian Copula of Wolfmaverickonomics

Wed, 01 May 2013 22:47:00 -0600

Max Wolfmaverick’s Finger Gun of Business Knowledge Is Loaded, Cocked and Pointed at You, Fellow Wealthy Executives. Are You Brave Enough to Put the Finger-Barrel in Your Mouth and Eat the Knowledge Bullet Into Your Brain?

These poor, diseased women are wrong about the economy.

Women, the poor, and the diseased will try to tell you that the global economy is falling to pieces. They’ll have you believe that capitalism is “evil” and that executives have too much power.

Well, let me knee you in the nuts with a fact, my obedient Business Casual readers:

FACT: Capitalism is just fine, we just need to push it hyper-super-overlord-drive! The engine is just out of gas is all, and we need to fill it with that good old fashioned fully-leaded, high octane American crude, not that liberal, unleaded turn-off-your-engine-while-you-fuel horseshit.

Look, every executive knows the economy is in the toilet. They are slamming down their phones in frustration over the lack of synergy as I dictate this to my executive assistant. They sit in the executive clubhouse steam room for hours on end shaking their heads — not even able to enjoy the cucumber and citrus water and thin sheets of odorless, tasteless gold that is free to them to refresh their refined pallets. Well, chin up executives, there is a way out of this mess, but it means the old way of doing things is over: Supply and demand, checks and balances, rational thinking, legal due process, women in the workplace, salaries, health insurance, mating for life, jobs, education, human rights, men having only one penis, women having no penises, literacy — it’s all over!

This is my money toilet.

We need a new economy that works for the good guys (rich, white, obese men flying above the clouds in their jets, shaking hands, on their way to make a deal and/or having just closed a deal, pointing their fingers at one another, cracking their knuckles and willing themselves to become erect, no excuses) and punishes the bad guys (everyone else, especially attorneys and other bearded fellows — a beard is the first step towards liberalism and homosexuality, every executive knows that).

Enter a Wolfmaverickian brand of economics:Wolfmaverickonomics. You’ve heard of the Gaussian Copula — the mathematical formula that some egg-head used to collapse the entire global marketplace — well, me-conomics™ is the Wolfmaverickian Copula, no math, just guts and a massive set of nuts.

But, what exactly is “me-conomics™,” you boldly ask out of turn? Me-conomics™ can be best defined by the man who created this new and dynamic economic theory – yours truly, who says, I quote myself: “Me-conomics™ is the economics of me. Fuck you.”

Max, I’ve Been Lost Without Your Advice, Where Have You Been?

Max Wolfmaverick delivers a business lecture on ‘Handshake Strength in the Board Room’ at Wall Street’s Gate.

Before I get much deeper into the laws of me-conomic™ theory, you’re probably wondering where I’ve been the last several months — the Business Casual mailbox was flooded with panicked questions, insider trading tips, suicide letters and hate mail. Well, my executive brethren, I interpreted the current economic crisis as a signal of the end times, which I’d been preparing for at The Wolfmaverick Compound with my Wall Street’s Gate brothers.

Wall Street’s Gate is a business leadership camp, that I founded, where executives can tighten the screws on their business skills and worship a giant diamond comet, which was foretold in our holy scripture (that I wrote while an ancient evil executive being inhabited my body, most likely Computron The Overlord or Infinity X, I was never sure) that I would mount and ride to Wall Street and fix the global marketplace.

The scripture seemed to state that all of us Wall Street’s Gate brothers needed to shed our human husks to join each other on the diamond comet which would take us to Wall Street where we would rule over mankind forevermore. At least that’s how I interpreted it. So the 985 Gatesmen drank a highball that I poisoned with cyanide, and all dropped dead in order to reach that comet. Alas, I received a very important conference call just at that moment and missed the comet and could not join my brothers on their journey.

As the great Computron foretold: Me riding the diamond comet to Wall Street.

But as I watched these executives drink the cyanide-laced highball at our morning meeting and drop like murdered mistresses, I saw a powerful vision of The Great Skyscraper in Heaven. And there was Almighty CEO himself: God, appearing before me.

Now, I was just as shocked as you, dear reader, as I am a well-known strict worshiper of dark lord Cthulhu (all hail, all will fall before him) and I would not have thought that God would show himself to me, but it turns out God is a ruthless business man. He’s in the middle of a re-org, really doing some dynamic things to dramatically increase Heaven’s profits, web-presence and branding. He’s moved away from a pure-play salvation model and starting to get a toehold in entertainment, has launched a new backyard wrestling straight-to-DVD business that is just starting to be profitable. I wish him all the best.

The Almighty CEO himself handed me these ten crystalline commandments and they became the bedrock to the major me-conomic™ theory that I created in my own image.

Tip: Executives burn these ten commandments into the tepid, pale flesh of your executive assistants so these tenets will always be with you, lest you forget:

The Ten Commandments Of Me-conomics™

God revealing himself to me.

1. Max Wolfmaverick is the creator of me-conomics™, thou shalt have no other economic theory before me-conomics™.
2. Thou shalt be owned by Max Wolfmaverick, in body, mind, and spirit, whilst thy company/government employs any theories of me-conomics™.
3. Never speak negatively about me-conomics™. Me-conomics is always watching, listening and judging.
4. Thou shalt remember to attend company meetings.
5. Thou shalt honor thy CEO and corporate President.
6. Thou shalt murder those executives that stand in your way.
7. Thou shalt withhold thy executive seed from women, unless thou are planning on having a male child (thou shalt only have male children).
8. Thou shalt not grow facial hair.
9. Thou shalt impregnate a rival executive’s wife as a power-play to show thine own dominance over him.
10. Thou shalt build a doomsday device to hold the globe hostage from outer space, if/when, me-conomics™ fails thy and thine company/government.

And that’s just the beginning, me-conomics™ offers so much more.

These top-level execs obey me-conomics commandments 1-10. It’s clearly already working for them.

Let’s take a journey with our executive imaginations, together: Imagine a car that never needs gas.

Imagine a faucet that, when turned on, flows investment suggestions from top-shelf insiders.

Imagine a handshake that never makes your hand tired.

Imagine yourself at a corner desk, feet propped up on the windowsill, giving a thumbs up to yourself in a mirror.

Imagine lifting a bus with your bare hands.

Imagine a haircut that parts itself.

Imagine sitting in a steam room with other executives, you whisper to the steam, it holds all secrets, there’s an “accidental” brush of a muscular leg there, a back rub that lasts just a little too long.

Imagine a mistress that never tells your wife of your sexts, secret children, and gloriously erotic tweets.

Imagine an iron boot standing on a human neck.

Imagine being able to play every guitar solo ever recorded without ever having heard them yourself.

Imagine hunting and trapping all the brightest executives in the world, taking them back to your underground laboratory, removing their brains and combining all of their brains into your skull giving you a super executive brain.

Imagine an army of shape-shifting robots that do your bidding.

Imagine looking at a rival across the boardroom, taking a deep breath, and then blowing at him with such tremendous velocity that he turns to solid ice.

You know what you are doing? You are imagining me-conomics™.

Another example of me-conomics at work.

The rest of me-conomics™ is common sense and et ceteras so you can just kick up your executive feet on the back of your lowly assistant and enjoy the view from the top of your money pile.

Dictated, not read.

***

Follow Former CEO Max Wolfmaverick on Twitter: @maxwolfmaverick or be destroyed, figuratively speaking.

I’ve Murdered My Mistress and/or Wife, Now What?

Wed, 01 May 2013 22:46:00 -0600

Former CEO Max Wolfmaverick has killed both humans and non-humans.

If it’s good, put it on Broadway. Then it’s better.

I meet with the world’s most powerful executives, CEOs and tycoons everyday, holding videoconference calls, telephone conference calls, conference meetings, PowerPoint slideshows, keynote speeches, billable lunches, off-the-record spitball sessions, racquetball court brainstorm sessions, post-raquetball executive washroom towel-off suit-off shake-it-out-on-me sessions, steam room think-and-sweat sessions and I get cold cocked with a lot of executive questions. That’s just a fact.

And this week, my dear executive readers, Business Casual answers the most asked question by powerful executives all over the globe and in secret space-bases readying their doomsday weaponry: I’ve murdered my mistress and/or wife, now what do I do?

See, the boardroom is a theater of war and often times, that powerful, power-hungry, power-mongering, evil-worshiping executive can’t contain the war in the boardroom and it spills out onto his female staff, his secretary, his wife and tragically non-male children. You can take the executive out of the boardroom, shave him, bathe him delicately with sponges made in Asia handled by of-legal-age-as-far-as-you-know executive assistant Asian males, but you can’t take the boardroom out of the executive, as is common to say.

Cats With Canines. Like Dentists With Humming Habits.

But we mustn’t blame the executive for his murder, no. When the powerful saber-toothed tiger kills its prey we accept it – it is the nature of the beast. Saber-toothed tigers stalk and sink their powerful canine fangs into their prey to survive just like the sleek and muscular executive stalks and cheats on his wife by sinking his canine penis (or multiple penises) into his secretary and then he must murder his wife, secretary or both to survive.

Once the executive has shared his glorious essence with any person or beast, he hates that creature and must destroy it/her.

Let’s not judge him, let us praise him and lower his taxes and give him a jet — the gift of flight — so he can soar through the clouds to his next meeting and make love to mistresses in the sky, then kill them in secret, like the white and mighty Pegasus.

When the executive animal first chooses to mate with the mistress or wife, both understand that their time is limited. They will be slaughtered and it is their honor to be – his final executive gift to them. Look, if you are an executive, someone’s blood is going to get spilled at some point so rather than also have to pay a huge dry cleaning bill, here are some tips to keep that blood spatter and brain matter off of your $5,000 suit and $2,000 loafers.

EFFECTIVE TECHNIQUES TO MURDER YOUR MISTRESS/WIFE

Business Jet Lounge Area, After Blood Has Been Removed by Anonymous Servant.

- Garrote Wire:Very effective. Best used when having just gifted them a diamond or pearl necklace. You offer to put it on and instead of the necklace you strangle them with your garrote wire.

- Samurai Sword: This is my preferred method. The samurai sword is like an extension of yourself. Great for beheading, but prepare for a lengthy clean up (always worth it).

- Bare Hands:Relatively effective unless your executive muscles have atrophied in old age or do not have the hand strength any longer from decades of firm handshaking.

- Hammer: Not effective, it’s bloody and troublesome. You’ll ruin a suit in the process. How many times have I tried to murder my mistress with a hammer only to find her clawing her way out of her shallow grave, screaming, nagging, getting blood and grave dirt everywhere? 347 times. That’s how many times.

CORPSE DISPOSAL OPTIONS

- Burial: Burying your dead wife or mistress is a good idea but be smart about where you bury the body so you don’t have your beautiful and loyal dog, digging up and dragging her corpse into bed in the middle of the night. Generally, you want to bury the body under an already existing grave. Another option is to contact your building contractor associates who are erecting a skyscraper and arrange to drop her body into the still-wet concrete foundation. A classic; her spirit will be smiling down upon you for the traditional burial.

There is nothing quite like Human Snow.

- Cremation: Difficult unless you have a large corpse-burning stove in your basement or sub-basements or secret floors of your compound (I have a large corpse-burning stove in all of the above and in my kitchen, great for making pizzas). Fire up that stove and reduce her to ashes and then flush the ashes down the toilet or use them as artificial snow on your rooftop and lawn during the holiday season; the neighborhood children will love it. Thumbs-up.

- Sink the Corpse: Wrap chains around the body and drop the body into a lake. The weight of the chains will sink that body to the bottom but the corpse will likely rot in an unpredictable way and a head or leg will float to shore, frightening our precious children.

- Feed Corpse to Your Piranhas in Your Giant Exotic Fish Tank:This is the preferred method of most executives because all executives have a giant exotic fish tank filled with piranhas. Put the whole corpse into the giant wall-size tank and watch those trustworthy piranhas eat – and keep – your secrets.

Synthetic Silhouettes of Humans Projected 24hrs/day.

- Consume the Corpse:You can always freeze the corpse and then use the flesh for soups and large gatherings where lots of meats are devoured. Human flesh tastes a lot like veal, lamb shank, venison, baby dolphin meat, unborn fetal whale steaks or hand-strangled rabbit chops. The human bones can be ground up and used in place of flour in delicious breads and pastries.

TERRIFIC CORPORATE JETS TO KILL WOMEN ON

- Execu-Jet IV: The finest in executive flying. All seats are made of leather and fold into either conference tables or luxury, vibrating sex thrones. The entire cabin has a sprinkler system to wash away any spilled blood. Floor boards can be removed to reveal an acid bath to melt any corpses away.

- BizJet6000: I used to own four BizJets, they are all class and sophistication. Full service staff that will take their own lives if they witness you doing anything illegal at all – murder or otherwise or worse than murder. Features fifty decks all with executive washrooms and steam rooms that can be filled with “stand-in” executives – the stand-ins are from the finest MBA programs around the globe and it’s a really nice internship opportunity for them, usually including class credit – if you happen to be flying alone.

BizJets also include direct access to the jet turbines so once you’ve murdered your wife or mistress, just dump her body into the turbine and she’ll be ground into a fine mist.

Held together by Magick and Titanium.

- The Valkyrie:For tycoon use only – these babies cost a fortune and are not even visible to non-tycoon eyes due to a special mystical paint they use. They can remain in flight for up to four years, if you need to evade any former partners, vengeful employees, senior citizens that you’ve robbed of their pensions, former wives (that you mistakenly did not murder), female children claiming you are their father, the IRS, rivals, FBI or other malevolent anti-business force.

Every item in the cabin can be turned either into a pen, a dagger or spray a cloud of poisonous gas. Comes equipped with twenty-five attorneys, ten Xerox machines, can transform into a submarine or space ship, four thermonuclear payloads, multiple disguises and forged identities and only serves lobster tail.

***

Follow Former CEO Max Wolfmaverick on Twitter: @maxwolfmaverick or be destroyed, figuratively speaking.

***

Sir? We found your Valkyrie just in time. You’ve got a Phone call.

Which Evil Being Should a Top-Level Executive Worship?

Wed, 01 May 2013 22:44:00 -0600

This week, Business Casual answers a common question amongst top CEOs and global tycoons with their golden boots on the necks of the world’s non-executive human garbage.

This week’s question: Which Evil Being Should a Top-Level Executive Worship?

The Evil Corner Office of Former CEO Max Wolfmaverick

Besides Where should I bury the body of my murdered/wife mistress? this is our most asked question and the answer depends on your needs as an executive.

If you just want money or to run a company, you can worship a lesser evil. If you want to make the dead rise, go to the mid-level evil forces in the universe. But if you want real power, then go with pure evil beings and become immortal: hold video-conference calls for hours without end, out-sweat the youngest and most fit executive in the steam room, crush a man’s head and testicles with your thoughts, skunk any opponent in racquetball (I’m talking zero points scored by all who challenge you on the Sacred Court of Racquets), maintain a permanent erection, grow hair so thick and full from your head and pubis that you must use lasers to trim it, have whiter teeth, grab other executives by the back of their neck and give them chills when your bare hand touches their bare neck flesh, play every guitar solo ever recorded, have semen that only produces male children, thick rope-like urine streams, a year-round tan, well-moisturized hands and face, a rich and horse-like body odor — that when sniffed by the lesser-males in the office, sears their nostrils, haunts them and eventually turns them into your personal zombies and when snorted by women, they enter a crazed lust state craving your essence — grow five brains, develop the ability to spot a really fine tailor (like an Italian one), who can alter any suit to fit like a second, executive skin, figuratively speaking.

The choices are endless when it comes to evil, but here are my top evil powers to start off worshipping now. I’ve worshipped every one of these at some point in my career and saw fantastic results; I encourage you to try worshiping these evil beings, offering blood or flesh up to them in sacrifice and get that edge in the boardroom, the steam room, see your profits increase and get that promotion you deserve!

Finger gun point, aim and fire.

Introductory Evil Entities — Get That Raise, Promotion and More Property

This Wolf Pack Just Heard a Phone Ring… There It Goes Again.

WOLVES: Your basic evil wolf is a great way to break into the evil community and a good first taste of what evil can do for you. Go to your nearest forest. Take off all the pieces of your suit: your leather loafers, sock garters, capes, rings on fingers, jeweled cradles for you testicles and your fine silken sleeve for your executive penis.

I would recommend that you leave your cell phone with your clothes, but if you must stay in touch with the civilized world, insert your phone rectally – leave it on vibrate, the wolves will not be pleased if they hear a ring and discover that you have been communicating with the outside human world.

They will seek vengeance, starting with the rectum.

After several weeks of living amongst the wolves, starving, eating bugs and probably at least one of your own arms, the strongest of the wolves, the Alpha Wolf, will test your loyalty to the pack by biting you, raping you, holding you down and urinating on you, defecating on you, forcing you to watch the wolves mate with one another: male wolves mating with other male wolves, male wolves mating with female wolves, gang-wolf mating rituals, high-fiving each other, mocking your human shape, et cetera.

The final stage begins as they attack you and start to eat you alive — starting with your genitalia, then your face, then back to your genitalia. They will then show you their own genitalia just before you die. If you don’t die, congratulations, you’ve passed their tests. Your face will eventually heal, but your genitalia will never function again. The bites the wolves gave you during your test period will have given you the power of wolf mind control and you can intimidate any upper-level executive to give you a raise and promotion as well as command packs of wolves globally to hunt and kill rival executives.

Mike Levey, former host of Amazing Discoveries! informercials has worshiped wolves for years.

Forked tongue assumes guitar form.

SATAN: Satan is mostly a waste of time these days; he’s lost a lot of credibility amongst the board members of the Community of Concerned Evil Beings, the main self-regulatory committee for all evil in the universe, when he aligned himself with heavy metal bands in the 1980s and turned his back on top-level executives.

Worshipping Satan can be exhausting too; he’s so needy, kill a goat for him, paint a pentagram on your wall and floor with its blood, say a chant, light a candle – I don’t know about you, but all this ceremony just feels self-centered to me.

If you’re in a bind, sacrifice a goat to the Horned One and he’ll help you get that PowerPoint demonstration completed in time or get your trouser inseam nice and snug, but that’s about it.

Geraldo Rivera has worshipped Satan since 1989.

Mid-Level Evil – For Corporate Takeovers, Securing a Corner Office and Unlimited Wealth

A detail of Lincoln’s scroll reveals a long list of dresses.

ABE LINCOLN: Human Lincoln was a classically un-evil being and therefore useless. However, once Lincoln crossed over to the astral plane, he really saw the error of his human ways and rose up the evil chain of command from beyond the grave. He prefers blood offerings, but won’t even get out of evil bed unless you are going to offer up 30,000 gallons of human child blood. Once conjured, he’s a bit of a prankster — he’s known to murder wives and mistresses and then dress like them for weeks in your home and will expect you to take him out to dinner and buy him new dresses.

Do not engage in intercourse with Lincoln no matter how much he tempts you with how good he looks in that ball gown (he looks good) that you bought him for a company party. You’ll get some unusual looks in public, holding hands or kissing by a fountain, due to his beard, but Lincoln gets results – remember that when he is tonguing your face. I worshiped him for years and found him to be helpful until I became a CEO and got my first corner office, then his brand of evil power had no effect on me.

Aaron Spelling was a devoted Abe Lincolnist his entire adult life, may he rest in peace.

Actual size, but be careful.

TREEVIL: An evil tree that grows in Culver City, (where the 90 meets the 405) that provides endless, rich mahogany for wood paneling of your steam room, study, den, executive washroom, corner office, racquetball court floor, bed frame, kitchen cabinetry, cuff links, front doors to your estate and/or compound.

You’ll feel more successful around mahogany and it’ll give you that mental edge you need when hosting a dinner party for other executives, wooing your boss for that partnership position or hosting the annual office orgy.

Eat the still beating hearts of three loved ones and the tree will give unlimited mahogany. Worth it. Michael Duke, CEO of Walmart, worships Treevil and has seen amazing results.

Computron: Cousin of Thomas the Tank Engine?

COMPUTRON THE OVERLORD: A man-made evil computer from the early age of computing in the 1970s. Steve Jobs launched himself into space as a young man and first built this computer being on our Moon. Jobs originally intended Computron to simply be a doomsday device that he could vaporize Earth with or rival companies. I have a similar doomsday device on several comets that fly close to our planet; a tycoon always needs a backup plan. Jobs’ Computron quickly developed sentience, cut ties with Jobs and joined the forces of evil.

Build a space ship or borrow one of your billionaire friend’s ships and fly to the moon; you’ll have to connect all your mobile and desktop computing devices to Computron as well as thirteen fresh human brains that Computron will add to his mega-cyborg brain. Computron can access any records on any computer on the planet, change stock prices in your favor, alter the value of currency, delete criminal records, foreclose on rival’s houses, you can set up direct deposit with Computron’s bank and get free checking and auto-bill pay, and you’ll have Internet access, limited to evil websites, wherever you are on Earth for the rest of your life.

Television’s beloved Kirk Cameron puts on a good Christian smokescreen, but he’s a staunch Computron The Overlord man.

Pure Evil Beings – For Immortality, Shape Shifting and Becoming a Member of Shadow Governments

Infinity X: Mushmouth of the Infinite Cosmos.

INFINITY X: A giant evil floating brain from the outer limits of space, Infinity X guards all the knowledge of the universe within his giant brain and controls every living, dead, undead, animate and inanimate creature’s or object’s thoughts, actions and destiny. Want your third wife to take nothing from you in your divorce? Infinity X will control her thoughts and she will drop the lawsuit instantly. Want your embarrassing daughters to become male children so they can become powerful executives and take over the family business and stop wasting their lives being female? Infinity X will control their thoughts and change their anatomy, they will buy suits, get tailors, take up court-oriented sports, part their hair neatly and follow your every command.

Want a skeleton made of gold? Infinity X can alter your body chemistry and you’ll be golden through and through. You must meet with Infinity X in his alternate dimension so you’ll need to use your super-massive particle collider to generate a black hole. Pass through that black hole and Infinity X will be waiting. He’ll try to destroy you with his powerful thoughts, but if you survive, he’ll serve you well.

Lloyd C. Blankfein, CEO of Goldman Sachs was born into an Infinity X-worshipping family; the Blankfein lineage have been strict Infinity X-ians for eons.

Okay. (He just told the editor what to do).

CTHULHU: The absolute most powerful evil in this universe and five of the major multiverses. Yes, he’ll rape your face, daily. Yes, he’ll murder everyone you’ve ever cared about. Yes, he vomits constantly on you. Yes, he digs up corpses from the local cemetery and makes you dance with them in front of him while he laughs. Yes, he punches you in the testicles all the time. Yes, you will wake up in a coffin buried alive at least once a week. Yes, your teeth will fall out of your mouth, finger nails will fall out of your fingers and wounds will just not heal anymore merely from being around his wretchedness, but Cthulhu is the ultimate in evil beings.

If you are a CEO and want that power beyond human limits that you crave, then align yourself with Cthulhu today. All you need to do is cause the death of several million humans over the course of 10-25 years; it can be through wars that your shadow government starts, genocide, environmental catastrophes — anything at all, think outside the box for Cthulhu and be creative! He’s difficult and time consuming to conjure, but well worth it.

Cthulhu has been Chief Operating Officer of the Community of Concerned Evil Beings for 1.4 million years. More billionaires in the Forbes Wealthiest People worship him by a factor of 7 to 1. He will secure all the resources in the universe for your gain alone, stop unions from forming at your company, lower taxes for the rich and raise them for the poor, privatize social security, lower minimum wage, increase the size and heft of your testicles, find unbeatable deals on lobster — we’re talking succulent lobster — and your cell phone will never drop another call.

The only evil that yours truly, Max Wolfmaverick, worships.

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Follow Former CEO Max Wolfmaverick on Twitter: @maxwolfmaverick or be destroyed, figuratively speaking.

***

How Do I Get That Powerful Executive Look, Attitude?

Wed, 01 May 2013 22:43:00 -0600

Google CEO Eric Schmidt

The executive is the most beautiful animal on the planet and the most important life-form in the universe with extraordinary powers and abilities that an ordinary man could not possibly understand. This week, Business Casual explores a common write-in question: How do I get that powerful executive look and attitude?

Well, it’s simple: it is the sheer majesty of the executive, his glory, beauty, ability to give life to the lifeless, shoot lasers from his eyes, wear a suit properly, keep hands moisturized and tan year-round, kill someone with his thoughts, play electric guitar and so much more that gives executives this look and attitude. It’s in our blood and bones. In fact, I bottle and blend many of my own fluids and waste matter with plans to sell as a patented executive tonic to give super strength, both mental and physical, to any executive who drinks or injects the serum called “Dr. Former CEO Max Wolfmaverick’s Executive Super Power Super Tonic.”

Some lab quacks that no longer work for my Wolfmaverick BioLabs really shit the bed on the whole serum project right out of the gate and even suggested that I have no such powers in my fluids and waste matter and claim through “scientific evidence” that the serum only causes sepsis, rotovirus, coxsackievirus, hepatitis, toxoplasmosis, salmonella, tapeworms, pinworms, shigella, polio and Human Werewolf Syndrome. I saw those people, and the only “sicknesses” I saw were a lack of enthusiasm and mental fucking fortitude to handle this life-changing serum.

Anyway, here are some tips to help get that powerful executive look and attitude until my serum is available at your local market.

FREQUENTLY LOITER IN AN EXECUTIVE WASHROOM

Wolfmaverick Says: Nude on Nude on Tile.

Top executives have known the benefits of the Executive Washroom for eons. In different cultures it has been called a den, a home office, a basement, Turkish Bath, rape room, masturbatorium, the coliseum, meat locker, sausage factory or a man cave. And the world’s delights await you just behind these hallowed doors — take off your blazer, your trousers, your shirt, tie, socks, sock garters, belt, suspenders, cape, briefs, hair pieces, merkins, artificial genitalia prosthetics and relax in the nude. Then roam free and platonically, in a steamy and tiled jungle of all nude male executives. Completely nude-nude. Nude on nude. On tile.

The Executive Washroom is a place where the executive animal can get away from it all, clean his teeth and claws, trim off any facial hair that might have grown during the day to avoid the descent into homosexuality. It’s a quiet place where even executive rivals can let down their guard, take a bath together, whip each other with wet towels, give each other back rubs, shave each other’s chests and groins, sit open legged with each leg kicked up on the arm rests of a leather overstuffed chair, groins exposed and dry. Bone dry and hair free. Start and end each day in the Executive Washroom and you’ll notice a difference in your attitude and look, instantly.

BALLS-SMELL ON HANDSHAKE HAND

They’ve been in a bag for a week.

This is a crucial step towards the powerhouse executive attitude. Catching the aroma of an executive’s testicles in your nostrils can feel like you just got hit in the face with a fleshy sledgehammer. The gaseous stench from the executive balls can melt plastics and most light metals. The trick is to use this strong stench in the business theater of war.

First, call in call sick for one week. That week, wear the same briefs while you engage in normal executive behaviors: racquetball three-times daily, one-thousand lunges daily, bike one-hundred miles daily and finish the week with your standard ultra-marathon. Do not bathe or go to the executive washroom that entire week.

Then, peel those briefs off and keep them in a sealed plastic bag that you can keep in your briefcase, attaché case or make your human garbage personal assistant wear them always. Finally, just before you attend a board meeting, billable lunch, billable dinner, power-meeting or morning meeting dip your hand in that wet mess just before you shake the hand of a colleague, rival or co-worker.

They’ll have your powerful testicle odor on their hands for weeks. They will become violently ill and may go blind. If they go blind, you also just proved they weren’t an executive by blood and never deserved that three-piece suit and seat at the conference table anyway. Your smell will be with them. Your male dominance smell will defeat your opponents and give you the edge you are craving.

PISS IN THE OFFICE COFFEE POT

Tastes Extra Citrusy This Morning.

Every morning when you first come into the office, be sure to brew the first pot of coffee for the staff, your personal assistant, secretary/mistress and the other executives in the office. Piss in that pot of coffee. Then, kick your feet up on the windowsill and watch confidently as your co-workers drink your piss all day.

Chances are one of your executive rivals – or perhaps your CEO – is already doing this. The mixing of your two or more authoritative urine streams can produce unpredictable results. Depending on how high up the executive ladder the piss in the pot is, your collective and powerful urine may produce a sex-crazed-zombie-like reaction in both male and female non-executives ultimately culminating in an orgy. Remain calm. Go into your office and lock the door until the effect wears off in eight hours.

KILL SOMEONE WITH YOUR BARE HANDS

Troll your neighborhood for a good target. If you have a sprawling estate, troll your staff members, instead. One evening, lure the victim into a dark alley with a trail of hundred dollar bills. When they bend over to pick up the last bill, strangle them with your bare hands. Look them in the eye. Remember their look and know that you could give that same look to anyone in the board room. Thumbs up.

MAKE YOUR CO-WORKERS WATCH YOU EVACUATE YOUR BOWELS

I have a toilet in my office, in the conference room and in the video-conference room. I have toilets installed in the break room. I have a toilet in the elevator. Several toilets in the hallway to the boardroom. I have toilets at every cubicle, at every non-executive worker-drone’s station in my office. I shit in those toilets — every day. I make sure my colleagues, secretaries, personal assistants, executive assistants and board members are watching each and every bowel movement. That’s the edge. That’s an executive.

GET WIFE OF CO-WORKER PREGNANT

Although I’m a well-established heterosexual, well-known for my heterosexual interests, I don’t generally engage in intercourse with women. For many executives, this may very well be the most difficult step to take.

Rarefied Air Keeps a CEO’s Base Bone-Dry

At the annual Christmas party, target the wife of one of your executive rivals. Make eye-contact with the wife and with your thoughts, command her to engage in intercourse with you in the copy-machine room. Your powerful executive seed will implant itself within her womb and be full-grown within eight or nine days. She will know it’s your child, you will know it’s your child, but your rival will never know. You’ll have that advantage over your rival in every meeting, phone meeting, teleconference meeting, video conference, Powerpoint presentation and spitball brainstorm session, always.

LIVE IN A CLOUD BASE

Develop the technology to suspend your estate high above the rooftops of average Earth-dwellers. I can’t give away too many of my secrets here (I don’t want to lose my own advantage over you), but I have more than ten, less than one-hundred repulsorlifts that keep my compound afloat high in the sky, floating amongst the clouds.

PRACTICE POINTING, LAUGHING AND SMILING

Does This Produce a Pants-Brown?

Step 1 – Pointing:
Put on your suit, but leave off your blazer. Throw it over your shoulder. Loosen your tie and roll up your sleeves. Look at yourself in a mirror. Point at yourself. Did you flood your pants with feces? If not, you didn’t point hard enough. If you did brown your pants, then you have pointing down. Get your disgusting suit cleaned. Move onto step 2.

Step 2 – Smiling:
Unfurl your sleeves and button them back up with your cuff links. Leave your blazer off and tighten up that tie into your fitted vest. Look at yourself in the mirror. Smile. Did that smile produce a raging, heaving erection in your trousers? If not, keep practicing. If it did, you are ready for step 3.

Step 3 – Laughing:
Put on your finest, most expensive suit. Now, unbutton your double-breasted blazer and let it hang loosely, exposing your vest and timepiece chain. Do NOT look in the mirror for this step, instead place an ordinary house pet in front of you – dog, cat, bird, child or wife. Put your hands on your hips. Laugh. Laugh hard, with every fiber of your being. Did that pet have a heart attack and die? If not, keep practicing that laugh. If so, you’re ready to run a major corporation.

WEAR A CAPE UNDER YOUR BLAZER

Executive Undergarments, Obviously

This is obvious, but wear a cape under your blazer. Never expose this cape to anyone except a rival executive just before you are about to murder them.

MULTIPLE BRAINS, PENISES (CYBORG OR OTHERWISE)

First, lurk in a local cemetery and wait for recent funerals — you’ll need new-ish corpses. Dig up the fresh graves and harvest their brains and genitalia. Next, you’ll need to find a doctor who will perform this kind of surgery. I have a wonderful doctor in Beverly Hills who has grafted numerous brains and members onto my body, but I can’t name him for risk of his arrest and probably execution for “crimes against humanity” or some other trumped-up PC liberal-media charge.

These doctors are best discovered under the protective and healing shroud of steam in the steam room at the executive athletic club and/or yacht club. That doctor is probably lurking in that steam now, just waiting for you to ask for his help. Go to the steam room. Ask your question to the steam, if it is meant to be, a voice will respond with an address and time to meet. Soon, you’ll have all the brains and penises you desire.

Having several brains and several penises comes with many advantages – most of which is multitasking. You’ll out-multitask the most ambitions of pederast-newly-promoted executives bucking for that seat on the board.

SEND HOLIDAY CARDS TO LOVED ONES

You will sleep better at night knowing you’ve sent a card to your dearest loved ones. Have your personal assistant sign your name to each card with extra fondness and extra-extra sincerity.

***

My Secretary Is a Male, Does That Make Me a Homosexual?

Wed, 01 May 2013 22:38:00 -0600

From: A Decorated History of the Male Secretary, 1976, Random House

If I had a penny for every time we get this question at Business Casual or the times I’ve heard it asked by executives in my many meetings, PowerPoint presentation meetings, casual spit-balling pow-wow meetings with ties loosened and hands gripping the backs of necks lovingly and respectfully, teleconference meetings, one-on-one phone meetings, billable lunch and/or dinner meetings with the Big Shots and post-raquetball drip-dry, snowball, brainstorm session-meetings, I’d be a rich man — well, I am a rich man, so I guess it’s neither here nor there.

Anyway, today’s question is: My secretary is a male, does that mean I’m a homosexual? Well, the simple answer to that question is: yes, undeniably, yes — you are most definitely a homosexual. This has its obvious upside — the office of business is a playground for the male executive animal and the distraction of a woman in the workplace, even at the natural secretarial position, can have a most unfortunate and precisely negative impact.

Extreme Heterosexual Sports Example: MMA’s Triangle Choke

I am not a homosexual; instead, I am a thrice-married, thrice-divorced heterosexual man, a well established heterosexual with children and a love of heterosexual sports and activities too many to name here because of my deep heterosexuality that has clearly been established with no need to further prove it, but on the other hand — the idea of an all-male executive office is one that enters my fantasies several times a day. All those dynamic male executives in black suits with cufflinks that match their ties, socks and probably their under-things, throwing their blazers over their chairs, all of them in pants (some pleated, some flat front), snapping each other’s suspenders, ready to play hardball, hit home runs, a couple of field goals, pulling one another into each other’s offices by our loosened late-afternoon ties, saying “no” but meaning “hell yes,” backslapping and backrubbing when things get stressful and we’re all tuckered out at the end of a productive day of running our ideas down the court and slam dunking them against a full court press, or else from running ideas up flagpoles all day long and then cocking our arms and hands up in full salute a lot of the time — all of which could not occur with a woman in the workplace, we’d be too busy ogling all the women in the office, pursuing heterosexual conversation.

Then say, for a common and relatable example: the air conditioning goes down in the building and now those male executives get hot — super sweaty, hardbody hot — and the only way to cool down is to take off our shirts and ties, can’t do that with a woman in the workplace. Then the air conditioning comes back on, but it’s much too cold, too fast, and the only way for us to warm up is with our body heat so we have to lie on top of one another, bare skin, and warm up to survive, platonically. Try that with a woman in the office!

The Dichotomy of the Hetero Male Office Worker: From Blazer to Booty Shorts

Then perhaps the computers go down, so we have to cut our trousers into shorts, break out the football and toss it around, tackling each other and giggling with delight until we float to the ground mid-embrace/tackle, brush each other off, cleaning each other like two wild jaguars. Then, ending the day with all those masculine, tanned hands slapping together in high-fives, celebrating our victories in the boardroom and time spent together away from our wives, families and other various and sundry heterosexual interests.

Anyway, I digress — the secretary position in the office is one that must be filled by a woman of the female gender because of the implied agreement to tolerate and encourage the sexual advances of the male executives in the office that the woman secretary enters into when taking the position. It’s well known that the female secretary craves the male executive’s sexual advances; the only thing she craves more is the dream that perhaps one day she might obtain the prestigious position of his mistress, a position that will one day end in her termination by murder, the cover-up of that murder, the framing of the murder on a lesser executive or non-executive hourly earner human garbage — she is well aware of allthese details.

Any woman secretary that denies these plain facts is (a) playing some sort of role-playing game with you and counting on you to advance upon her sexually, (b) may be already in some sort of femme-lust-state craving your essence and cannot think clearly and is giving gibberish answers to your clear-cut, bold and dynamic executive questions, (c) may be smart enough to deny the truth, to protect her boss with whom she is already engaging in sexual acts and is lying to protect his lovely wife and family.

When’s the Next Meeting, Anyway? I can’t wait much longer.

Your resourceful and handsome sexual advances — with your lovely parted hair or slicked back hair, your cuff links sparkling under the fluorescent office lighting, your hands, well-manicured and looking like they are soaked nightly in gloves filled with lotion as your hand gently draped over hers, “helps” her click her mouse button, lean on her from behind, spooning her, draping your body and three-piece suit over her like a love-making flesh cloud (the boss of love-making flesh clouds), as her nostrils fill with your pheromones — these are your rightsas her boss. In fact, they’re more than your rights — they’re your duty.

Denying your essence to your female secretary would be unthinkable; she would feel rejected, violent, suicidal and it’s possible her period may begin and never stop. A lifelong period due to said rejection — it has happened and will happen again. Could you live with yourself knowing she began a lifetime of dreaded, non-stop period, or worse yet, killed herself because you did not prey upon her sexually? I think not.

Now get into that boardroom, button up that blazer, point that finger gun at your boss and fire — make some dreams come true.

How Can I Increase My Billable Hours?

Wed, 01 May 2013 22:36:00 -0600

Simply Enlarge, Print and Spend

This is one of our favorite questions here at Business Casual. Nothing honks me off more than non-billable hours, as billable hours are the best hours of the day – the fullest expression of those billable hours being a billable business lunch or billable business dinner where I sneak off and pick up the tab without the other executives noticing and honking them off, thusly – I look forward to those hours the most. I’m always thinking of new ways to increase my own billable hours, decrease my non-billable hours or perhaps even transform those non-billable hours into billable hours through hard work, marketing, or black magik.

So, this week’s question is: How can you increase your billable hours? The simple answer to this question is: Increase your billable hours by working more hours. And then bill for those hours. Problem solved.

But, this simple answer brings up a common follow-up question, you’ll laugh out loud at how many times you’ve heard this one before, but for the purposes of this forum I’ll repost this obvious question below.

Common follow up question: But, I’m already working all twenty-four hours in a day and all seven days in a week, so I already bill out one hundred and sixty-eight hour work weeks to my client(s) PLUS, I have a wife who loathes me even when I wear a suit (black or gray) and have functioned as a CEO for several companies over the course of several decades and as a high-priest in our sex cult that I no longer make her attend and I bought her a Porsche which she claims she hates, but I don’t believe her because who hates a Porsche and yes, she caught me weeping on the dead body of a neighborhood stray cat that I strangled to death with my bare hands to prove to her that I could will any living thing back to life with just my thoughts and then, unfortunately, I could not bring that stray cat back to life with my thoughts – on that occasion – but I know that I can and won’t go into the details of that here, however I know she lost a lot of respect for me that day and her live-in boyfriends mocked me for that for weeks even as I was trying to have a phone meeting in my office and even during an after hours business pow-wow

Imagine the entire Earth in the space between my palms. I’ve done that. Six Times. Today.

meeting with some of the other board members in our den and then I have to break her boy-toys’ knees with a golf club and lock them in our basement so no one can hear their screeching over their legs not healing straight and keep them held down there behind bricks until I come up with a way to erase their memory, perform lobotomies – I have performed lobotomies successfully on several wild animals, but not yet on humans – or get them to sign a non-disclosure agreement where I can terminate them if they happen to disclose anything, but at that point, hypothetically speaking, it’s already too late and I’d have to get everyone on the planet to sign non-disclosure agreements and/or lobotomize them – once perfected – so it becomes impractical, but worst of all I’m paying college tuition for children who are most certainly not mine because although I occasionally – and with extreme reservation – have intercourse with my wife, I have never been able to maintain an erection due to the stress in my life nor be attracted to a woman – again due to the extreme pressures in my line of work, clearly understandable and common – and so I just go to the gym and work out with other executives and talk about Great Conference Meeting Techniques, go to the steam room with other executives and talk about our meetings that went south and north, and then hit the showers with a group of great executives that always bring extra lotions and hair gels and body shaving equipment and we help each other with those grooming items as we set up our afternoon of phone meetings, video conference meetings and board meetings that my wife never understands and is increasingly suspicious of my hours at the gym which she does not believe are, in fact, billable hours – obviously – and so what can I do to increase my billable hours?

Great, although all-too-familiar, completely hypothetical question. So, to increase the billable hours in a week when you are already billing for all one-hundred and sixty-eight hours in a given seven-day week, there are, in fact, several options:

BECOME IMMORTAL:

Portrait of Me, Age 7, With Father.

There are many life-extension/immortality methods available to executives now; you can really get in on the ground floor of some great deals. The most popular is, of course, worshiping some sort of evil deity – Satan, Cthulhu (My personal dark lord. All hail. All will fall before him, etc.), Odin, Kronos 11, the mighty Squid-god Aquatos or Thanatos. Any one of these gods could grant immortality with the proper sacrifice of flesh and worship. The second most popular – and one I intend to employ soon – is the removal of the brain and brain stem from the human husk and implanting that into a robot shell. Of course, vitamins and exercise are good too. And the steam room. Clearly.

TIME-TRAVEL:
Although, not perfected, time travel is really the best option. Simply put, build yourself a time machine out of spare parts in your office supply closet, home office supply closet or take parts from your Porsche collection. Then dial in the future year you wish – let’s say for this example 3010 – then just bill for all those hours that you just passed through in your time machine – I’ll do the math for you, given it’s 2010 right now and say you go to the same month and day in 3010 – that’s 876,000 billable hours. Then you’ll travel back in time, moments before you left and re-bill your client(s) for all those hours again. That’s 876,000 times two, I’ll let you do that math. If properly executed, this is really an extension of the immortality option. Ka-ching; Thumbs Up.

SPACE-VICE TO SLOW EARTH’S ROTATION:

Pre-Space-Vice, Clearly.

Contact a heavy industries company and once you’ve verified that they have access to approximately five hundred billion tons of steel, buy them out and absorb the company into your own portfolio of companies.

From there, simply build a space-vice – a massive steel clamp that will be launched into space and tightened around Earth’s poles.

The tighter the vice grip, the slower the Earth rotates and the more hours per day you get to bill.

Bill accordingly per diem.

CLONING:
Executives have been talking about cloning for years, frankly it bores me, but it is an option. You’ll simply clone yourself and then bill your client(s) for each self’s hours. Seems foolproof, however the messy part is the murder of own selves daily to save on food costs, their negotiation to bill you for billable hours and negotiation of their cut of the billable portion of hours.

CELL-PHONE USEAGE:
Be sure to bill your client(s) for any and all cell phone conversations. And talk to your wireless provider for the best plan for your particular use.

How Do We Fix the Flaccid Economy?

Wed, 01 May 2013 22:32:00 -0600

Max Wolfmaverick Graphed Your Mom

The economy is something we are very concerned about here at Business Casual. Businessmen everywhere are having meetings, phone meetings and conference meetings about this very topic – slamming down their phones in frustration over the lack of synergy, sitting in the executive clubhouse steam room for hours on end shaking their heads and exhaling out of confusion over the lack of dynamic and resourceful ideas coming out of this mess. In this wintery economic climate, we have to make tough choices to turn this misery into opportunity!

That’s why I’m calling for what I’ve named: The New World Economic Model. Feel free to transfer this to an overhead projector transparency for use at a meeting or Powerpoint slide presentation for your corporation so you can be sure to join us in this exciting venture or be crushed, figuratively speaking, by our iron, figuratively speaking, fist, once our plan is in place and we reign from on high forevermore, figuratively speaking – thumbs-up.

THE LAUNCH:

We’ll begin by sweeping through all neighborhoods and lovingly capturing all non-executive American personnel (read: blacks), tagging them and chaining them together in an efficient and dynamic manor – note to HR: remember to give a thumbs-up (two if needed) to the non-executives letting them know that this is a good cause and part of The New World Economic Model. Call the non-executives flattering nicknames such as “chief” or “boss” — this will give them the confidence to be carefully netted, branded and chained by your armed response team. There may be some resistance at first, but The New World Economic Model makes room for use of compassionate deadly benevolent force (by whites). Once captured and rendered impotent, the former living quarters and cities of the non-executives will be burned to the ground – to make room for the coming economic growth that The New World Economic Model will provide for all (for whites). Whomever the current president of the United States is at the time of launch will step down – voluntarily or otherwise – and I will replace him, gloriously.

THE MARKETING CAMPAIGN:

There will be plenty of signage and marketing for The New World Economic Model – we have the best creative firms in the world taking meetings, videoconferencing and telecommuting conference call meetings regarding this exciting venture and new phase of capitalism! Currently our best design is a deep blood red flag, with a proud and bright white circle in the center and finally a black symbol from ancient Sanskrit – an equilateral cross with its arms bent at right angles – a symbol that should be understood to mean: Peace and Prosperity for All.

THE HOUSING AND STORAGE OF NON-EXECUTIVES:

Once their former homes and apartments are burned to the ground, that land will be in use for shopping centers, bountiful fields to be farmed (by the non-executives), office supply superstores, mints to print the new currency with my image and our New World Economic Model Logo and motto Peace and Prosperity for All. So, the land will be valuable and increasing in value whenever I command it to do so and as such, the non-executives will be housed in generously appointed underground living-quarters and will be known as the “under-dwellers.” They will have all of their needs attended to – three square meals a day, re-education regarding: curfew, disciplinary measures, forced breeding and the handling of their children once of work-age, and the inevitable End-of-Work-Age Slaughter.

They will learn tips from the most dynamic corporate motivational speakers we have and how to best take advantage of this New World Economic Model. Exciting! The under-dwellers will not have the distraction of bills, a paycheck, free will, entertainment, negro song, literacy, rap music, sports, community or family – freeing them for more satisfying work-life. Nor will we top-dwellers be reminded of their simple existence due to their thumbs-up dynamic, underground lifestyle. The New World Economic Model is the single-largest government sponsored job creation act ever – that means good business!

THE UNDER-DWELLER CANNIBALISM:

I won’t bore you with the details of the report our bean counters came up with, but, due to the fact that the non-executives will be living underground and due to the fact that there are no living things under ground besides delicious and nutrient rich bugs, worms and other vermin – yes, the non-executives will eat human flesh for sustenance. Some under-dwellers will be bread for slaughter and consumption, others may be eaten out of revenge for a wrong-doing using an under-dweller beast-justice of sorts that us top-dwellers could not understand. Or perhaps pitted against one another as a new and exciting under-dweller sport to the death with the fallen opponent roasted and devoured by the under-dweller masses – a sport that can be broadcast and exploited for profit – talk about ad revenue! How the under-dwellers choose to live and consume one another, that is the under-dwellers business and it is not our place to interfere with their rich non-executive culture below. They must be given those rights!

Underdweller Mutations, Behold

THE MUTATIONS:

Yes, there will be some mutation in the under-dwellers – it’s only natural given they will be living underground, being forced into passion with one another and bred – favoring those with large physiques and terminating those with large signs of intelligence outside of the understood New World Economic Model — natural sunlight deprivation and eating each other in order to survive.

Our relationship to the under-dwellers will become more and more estranged the less we see them, the less we can relate to their underground culture of work and as their human form begins to warp and twist into a dynamic new shape.

THE ANCILLARY BENEFIT AND USE OF MUTANT NON-EXECUTIVES:

Perhaps some will mutate into such fantastic shapes so that we will exalt them on high at our circuses and carnivals. Non-executive skin having never been exposed to sunlight will be very supple and soft and perfect for baby blankets and comforters. Non-executive bones will be used for venetian blinds in our homes, rattles for our children, their eyeballs will make for exotic executive cuff-links, their ribcages to be used as xylophones to make beautiful top-dweller music with. And let’s not forget, the non-executive is known for its mystical and large member, we will harvest those very large members and use them for our own passionate delights or perhaps use as a scarf or head-wrap that may spark a new fashion trend raising profits even further than thought possible. The sky is the limit!

THE JOB CREATION, JOB CREATION, JOB CREATION:

Cthulu Appears Courtesy of Terry Winterbottom

Job creation is the key. Not only will 100% of non-executives be fully employed – a percentage that has never been achieved in this great country – but for those top-dwellers who aren’t able to adapt to The New World Economic Model or question it any regard – there will be plenty of jobs for them as they learn to adapt and learn life-lessons in the process. Cushy jobs like: human non-executive skull crushing; how about being prepared as food for the under-dwellers as sweet gig; or captain of the thumbs-up squad to crush the under-dweller uprisings, it’s yours; or even the prestigious bolt-gun executive ending the precious life of our under-dweller brothers when we determine that they’ve reached the end of their work-life.

THE DAWN OF CTHULHU:

Yes, I saved the best for last – under The New World Economic Model we will serve me, who serves the mighty Cthulhu – our glorious nation’s new and only God. All hail Cthulhu! All hail Cthulhu! All hail Cthulhu! Thumbs-up!

See you at the tennis club in The New World Economic Model, I’ll be the one drinking human blood out of a champagne glass – toasting to our new venture! Now, get in those board rooms cave in some skulls and let’s achieve our dreams!

Can I Take My Meeting Seriously When a Woman Is Present?

Wed, 01 May 2013 22:15:00 -0600

There are at least three women at this meeting.

It’s a question we get here at Business Casual all the time and one we all face as executives at some point in our careers – so, let’s de-holster that Mont Blanc pen, point, aim and fire some straight-talk right into your brain hole: can you take your meeting seriously when a woman is present in that meeting? I can answer that unequivocally – No, you cannot take it seriously. Not at all. Let’s fire off some facts:

Fact: What has happened here is your rival in the office (another executive, a lesser desk-jocky bucking for a promotion, etc.) has set up some sort of dupe meeting, your meeting with the woman present is a clear indicator the actual meeting is taking place on a higher floor of the building and your rival at your company is at that meeting getting (a) a thumbs up from your boss, (b) a title promotion without increase in salary, (c) your job and you have been demoted or fired. You’ve been had, brother.

Now, here are some more facts about yours truly, a bit of a personal resume (forgive me): I’ve met a number of women privately, generally my secretaries, and enjoy them and their companionship, however I do not allow them to take of my essence, which they crave. I do see the value of a woman, in a theoretical sense, and wish them well when I see them in my friend’s homes or when I pay one for intimate relations and murder them. I’m not a homosexual. But, I often kick my feet up on my windowsill and in between calls and meetings I will think of the homosexuals as a group and how fortunate they are to be in an all boys exclusive club of executives where women are not considered except for companionship in the most platonic of senses. How wonderful the homosexual executive meeting must be – all these dynamic and resourceful males, everyone on the same page and hitting home runs in their meetings and phone meetings.

I share that personal story to show that I am only human and fall prey to the woman sometimes just like perhaps you do, brother. I do apologize for the personal detail and understand that it is irrelevant and beneath an executive like myself to share that and embarrasses an executive like yourself in reading it and I can only hope it did not make you late for your meeting, lunch or phone meeting. Try to consider this as a bullshit, spitball session where we’re just a couple of swinging dicks finishing up an hour in the sauna, talking about Q1 and Q2 earnings, showered in the executive washroom as we talked about expansion into China, had a couple glasses of scotch in the executive clubhouse where we got a bit loose and shared intimate feelings about wanting relations with a woman secretary in the office that we have both kept our executive eyes on, our ties have loosened, we’ve grabbed each other by the back of the neck lovingly and my sleeves are rolled up — all the way up. But I digress.

Okay, let’s get back to cold, hard business and I’ll hit you with some facts to get us back on track:

Fact: Business acumen clouds the mind of a woman and causes her to fall behind her homemaking, womanly gossip mongering, periods, church going and/or baking. Women need the company of other women – they are so fundamentally different from men that in an ideal world, there would be the Male Earth, filled with tall buildings, each floor buzzing with meetings and telephony deal-making and video conference meetings. And then there would be the Female Earth, or Lesser Earth, filled with women, gossip, church going, homemaking and the dreaded period. Men would fly some sort of profit-motivated propelled spacecraft from the Male Business Earth back to the Lesser Female Earth for occasional companionship, procreation (if absolutely necessary) and a warm meal. Why do we deny ourselves what nature intended for us – two separate Earth’s, one male, one female and spinning side by side in harmony? Let’s work towards a kind of long-range Two Earth setup as a reality, and stop mingling women with men in the office of business.

Fact: Occasionally, the language of a meeting can get blue, perhaps the Q3 profits are down, perhaps the Powerpoint slide is jammed – a male executive may shout out, “Terry, your Powerpoint slide is jammed and we’re left with our dicks hanging in the wind!” Completely proper etiquette in a meeting. Makes me honked off just thinking about this shitty Powerpoint slideshow that this douche-bag public-school dropout “Terry” shit the bed on and it’s just a goddamned example. And to be clear, I’ve never been in a meeting this shitty. And for the record, the only Terry I know owns a private jet that refuels mid-flight and he hasn’t landed in thirteen goddamned years, he would not fuck up a Powerpoint presentation, he’s a top-shelf exec and does great phone and conference meetings.

Anyway, a woman hearing “dick” will (a) not understand what a “dick” is and interrupt the meeting asking questions that delay the meeting and make us late for our next meeting, (b) the angry tone can throw a woman into a frenzy – that kind of male emotional outburst released in front of a woman (not unlike the release of male essence) can be shocking for a frail, emotional woman and she would have to be shot to death due to her not being able to live a normal church-going, homemaking life after or (c) her period may start or a, b and c – believe me, I’ve seen it.
Hope that helps. Now, roll up your sleeves, get into that board room and kick some ass.